You meet your date at a local Coffee Shop at around 3 PM. A friendly greeting is exchanged, you purchase your Chai Teas, and then sit in somewhat comfortable vinyl seats. Small talk ensues. The only uncomfortable moment was when you announce that the video game she has purchased for her son, contains large quantities of satanic content. About fifteen minutes into the conversation, her cell phone rings. After an exchange, she very calmly tells the person on the other side that she will be there in 15 to 20 minutes. After hanging up, she explains her son has been in a fender bender, and she needs to leave to go pick him up and have the car taken care of. While she drains the last of her Chai Tea, you ask her why she mentioned puppies during the conversation. “What?”, she exclaims.
Says you, “You said to ‘make sure to bring the puppies’ during that phone call with your son.”
Her face tightens, then says, “You know too much!”. She then whips out a billy club, and whacks you over the top of your head, knocking you out. As she is dragging you out of the Coffee Shop, she explains to the other patrons, “Must be an allergic reaction to the Chai”.
You awaken feeling very groggy. You take inventory… dark now… a bit chilly… some hubbub of people around you… wood smoke smell. You stir and open your eyes. Your eyes clear and you see a pyre of flame with people mingling around. You are on an outdoor lounge chair. Your afternoon date sees you stir and approaches. After a few blurry words between the two of you, she says, “You are probably wondering what this is all about. We are here to make offerings to our spirit to appease him.”
“What did you do to piss him off?”.
She replies, “My son had a brain hemorrhage as a result of his car accident. Western medicine was performed on my son to keep the swelling down and to keep him alive. Western medicine goes against our teachings and displeases the great one. So we must appease our spirit in order to repel his wrath.”
“Ahh. So what are we going to sacrifice today?”
“Cute puppies. Adorable puppies are the only thing that will appease the malignant spirit. Thats the name of our religion, Church of the Malignant Spirit”.
You feel your head and the conversation before your head got bonked comes back. “Interesting cult. So no virgins?”
Her comeback, “Thats where you come in. No we’re not a cult”.
“Oh. One problem, not a virgin. Am I free to leave now, since you won’t need my services?”
With some force she says, “NO! You must stay!”
“Yep, I’m in a cult then. Otherwise I would be free to go. What is that guy doing, He appears to be humping a deer carcass.1”
“Something new to the ritual. Just came down from the spirit”, she says.
“Who is in charge of communicating with the spirit?”
“That would be the guy humping the deer carcass. His name is Kyle.” Now yelling at Kyle, “Can you hurry it up over there Kyle, you are putting a lot of us off our feed”.
“Ah. This is making more and more sense.”
“Enough chit-chat. Need to get back to the ceremony.” She then whacks you over the head again, knocking you out. After five cute and cuddly puppies are fed into the fire, you, the “virgin”, are then dumped into the blaze.
Happy “Blind Date’s Son Has an Accident” Day!