Swat That Alcohol Problem

I have a relative with an alcohol problem. Philosophical question for you all… is alcoholism just a physical addiction… or is alcohol a masking device to cover up some hole in your soul? Definitely a question worthy of deep thought, preferably over a beer or two.

Meanwhile, somethingawful.com has its own unique 12 step program. One of the most unique things about this program is that it only has 10 steps. And now the cutting and pasting of copyrighted material…

1. Stop drinking.
2. Find any alcohol in the house and throw it in a padded box. Send the padded box to my address so I can “inspect” it.
3. Look in the mirror. Do you like what you see? Is this all a dream? Imaginary?
4. To substitute your craving for alcohol, try spinning in circles to get really dizzy, and then go the other way real fast. This will simulate a “buzz” for a few seconds and get you through those long days.
5. See step #1.
6. If you still have the cravings for alcohol, start a heroin habit. Nothing beats a bout of depraved alcoholism like a degrading heroin addiction.
7. Bring your own jug of “Kool Aid” to watch sporting events while your friends drink beer. If they jeer and mock you for it, run home and cry.
8. WILSON!!!!
9. This step is under construction. Pardon our dust.
10. Stop drinking so much you fucking pussy.

Now that I have a girlfriend, I am very fearful that she will start to dress me. To turn that fear into a nightmare, she would choose International Male as her primary shopping turf. Again, Something Awful has a fine article on this establishment. The only thing missing from this article? Assless Chaps.

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