Career Counseling

The current job is going no where, so I have begun applying for jobs with career building potential. For help in this, I have brought in advice from outside of the compound. Introducing the Zoyx Career Counselor.

After placing me in a dark cell, hanging from chains with a sleeping bag over my head – then questioning me while tagging me with a live cattle prod, she came up with these talking points and interview tips. I am flying out to Eureka this week and these tips will be used!

You need to stay awake for the full time you are away. It’s the only way to keep that “edgy” look you will need for your trip to Eureka.

In case you get an interview, or meet a wood nymph, or nympho-anything… here are some conversation starters:

1) Always mention your procedure first. Especially if you are not wearing any pants.
2) The reference to Cannibals, or cannibalism being your name or hobby.
3) Talk like Napoleon Dynamite.
4) Tell them you drink your own urine, but are willing to try others.
5) Let them know that you think women with hairy legs and backs are sexy.
6) Invite them to your basement.
7) No false modesty, but be sure to inform them that you single handedly brought the mass murder record back to the Midwest.
8) You are not religious, but you are into cults.
9) You are looking for someone who enjoys a blood and vomit decor and admires your human skull collection.
10) Stand uncomfortably close to them while taking to them. Or just stand too close and stare at their ear.
11) Sweat constantly.
12) Don’t forget your Tourette’s!!
13) Get some kind of cut or injury that requires you to pick your scab.
14) Say, “Huh?” after every question or statement they make to you, as well as after everything you say too.
15) Ask for a ride to places that are unreasonably far away.
16) Instead of shaking hands, embrace them bear-hug style and kiss them on both cheeks. You can claim to be French.

An interesting approach to the job interview. Definitely thinking outside of the box. Should really impress the folks in Eureka.

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