A Letter Home

Dearest Emily,

I know you have been abusing me, and I deserve it. But you must forgive me. I have been such a happy go lucky person, hiding in this fall-out shelter. My time has been engrossed in such pomps and vanities. Then I knew I would see you soon, once the Packer fans set me free. Once free I will tell you all about everything. The being dipped in a giant vat of liquified cheddar cheese, then licked clean by the sandpaper tongues of hairless cats, is only the tip.

I expect to leave Friday – the day after tomorrow. I shall go direct to the calm and stillness of the country, where I will have time to meditate on the follies of the past Autumn! I shall pay sweet Evy a visit of a week in Natchez – and mourn the moving of the New Orleans Saints to the nebulous veil of Los Angeles. Oh, my fair-haired one, you have not read of my triumphs in the papers? I must shew you this letter – so you shall not be in the dark about my doings as of late. I shall be so glad to get home, to cool weather, here it is now as hot as our July days – and my summer clothes are in Atchafalaya! I dare not face to turn to do any shopping, besides I hate it so. That unless compelled, I never enter a shop filled with Chinese made wares. I may not reach home until after commencement of the deer kill. I would cross the ocean to avoid it – the only thing is that the smell of blood always draws me. But for that I should go to the cool and shade of Cloquet, till that horrible time is over. What have you been doing all this Autumn? Have the aristocrats treated you well. I heard so much about the festival of fetishes you enjoyed on Lake Minnetonka. How I wish I could have been there to revel in the glory. Today I am going to the races, (with a married woman!) afterwards dine with her husband – I have also a lot of farewell visits to pay – so I must be brief.

Send my love to Natalie, and to every body who cares for me. I weigh 237 pounds! Have no new clothes at all. This is thanks to the cheese only diet my captors have forced upon me. Oh, how I abhor them. My extended girth has resulted in no inamorata – no admirers – nothing – I mean in particular .

How is the ivy on the chapel? Ask Mrs. Lea please to plant some on the church.

Ever devotedly-


What Would You Do?


Dear Mr. Xenolith:


Thank you for ordering from Gristedes Online Supermarkets of New York.  I am writing to you regarding the feedback you posted about your order from September 18, 2005.  I have copied it for you below:

07-OCT-05 3 Item was discontinued and out of stock. {order number deleted} {e:mail address deleted} Buyer

On behalf of Gristedes, I would like to apologize for this product being discontinued by the manufacturer and having to cancel this order.  We did not discover that this product was discontinued until after you placed your order and were unable to procure this product from our inventory, various third-party distributors as well as the manufacturer.  As in my previous communications with you (on 27 September), we looked far and wide to enable us to fulfill this order, without success.  This is certainly not the norm and not indicative of our company and we have removed this product from the website as a result.  I understand your frustration but if there is *anything* we can do to make this up to you, please let us know.
We take our customer feedback as a very important reflection of our company, which is evident in the numerous pages of positive feedback left my thousands of customers culminating in a 98% lifetime rating. So that is why I am *humbly* asking you to reconsider removing your feedback.  If you remove your feedback, we will give you $5.00 off any future order with us OR we can ship you any product from our website that is $5.00 or under, at no cost to you.  Once you remove this feedback, be sure to respond to this e-mail and we will initiate our promise. I have included directions for you below:
Open the main Amazon.com Web site at http://www.amazon.com, and then click the Your Account button.
The Your Account page appears.

  1. Next to View by Order, click the scroll box to select orders, then click Go.
    A list of orders appears.
  2. Locate the order, then scroll to the feedback section.
    A “Remove” link appears on the right side of the order.
  3. Click Remove.
    The Remove Feedback page appears:
      {there was an image here, I took it out}
  4. Select a reason for removing the feedback and then click Remove Feedback.
    The feedback is removed.

Please let me know if you have any questions on how to do this or about any of our services. Thank you in advance for your reconsideration of what I mentioned to you above and we look forward to your next order.

Visit our Storefront Directly!:  www.amazon.com/gristedes


Karl Morris
Gristedes / Amazon.com Customer Service

VISIT OUR STOREFRONT: http://www.amazon.com/gristedes
Gristedes Online Supermarkets of New York

I should delete the bad rating with the reason being, “I was bribed”.